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Facing Codependence What It Is Where It Comes from How It Sabotages Our Lives

Facing Codependence What It Is Where It Comes from How It Sabotages Our Lives

This book stands out among the current glut of material on codependence because it claims the realm of parenting for its vantage point. The authors believe that codependents must heal themselves in order not to repeat the “less than nurturing” behaviors of their own addicted or emotionally dysfunctional parents. Hence, they couple strategies for recovery with guidelines on what is and is not “normal” in the parent-child relationship. The authors’ conclusions will invite controversy; for instance, they suggest that “emotional sexual abuse” of children may lead to homosexuality in adulthood. Nor are they reluctant to generalize: “Although physical and mental illness aren’t addictions, their effect on the family is the same.” Offsetting the opinionated commentary is great compassion for the helpless, hurt children who live inside adult codependents. Mellody and Andrea Wells Miller are coauthors of Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook for Facing Co de pend ence ; J. Keith Miller is a freelance writer. Author tour.
Copyright 1989 Reed Business Information, Inc.

User Ratings and Reviews

5 Stars facing codependance by pia melody
If you’ve ever been abused in anyway this book will help you understand why you react the way you do to things. once you are aware, it helps you to control your behavior.

5 Stars The Best Book on Codependence
This book is the best work on codependce. Pia Mellody shares how to recover by reparenting yourself. She identifies what codependent behavior is in an easy to understand and read format. I love her work and I think she is the authority on codependence and how to work with it. Any therapist working with clients would benefit from reading any of her books, however, this one is my favorite.

5 Stars Book came just as described. Thanks.
This is one of the best books on codependence. Read it and your life will change.

5 Stars The Best Book on Co-dependence There Is Barre None!
This is the best book on Co-dependence I have ever read. And I have read a few. And Pia Melody does it without any put downs. Co-Dependence is not something you can choose or not choose to do. It is a result of things that have been done to you. And you cannot begin to conquer it until you fully understand what happened to you. This Pia Melody does with such insight and understanding solely because she lived it. If you or someone you know is dealing with co-dependency (and most of us are) do them a favor and tell them to get this book!

5 Stars A Classic
Mellody and her coauthors, to the enduring benefit of the practice of psychology, do their part to rescue the technique of digging through the past from its Freudian fixation on Oedipus.

Using a working definition of childhood “abuse” as any behavior by caregivers that is “less than nurturing,” she relentlessly and in gruesome detail disects the roots of dysfunctional adulthood dependencies.

I agree with the reviewer who complained that the term “codependence” has become too much of a catch-all. Having a prefix indicating “two,” that word is better reserved for particular kinds of dysfunctional relationships.

That said, this book succeeds brilliantly at its task. Which is to allow individual readers to face up to exactly where the unhealthy dependencies in our lives come from. Which in adulthood result, not just in codependent (instead of “interdependent”) relationships, but in a myriad of perplexing issues that sabotage our lives.

A classic from the pioneer who originated the concept of “boundaries” in psychology. Get ready to embrace your demons.

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The Element

The Element

Robinson (Out of Our Minds), renowned in the areas of creativity development, innovation and human resources, tackles the challenge of determining and pursuing work that is aligned with individual talents and passions to achieve well-being and success. The element is what he identifies as the point where the activities individuals enjoy and are naturally good at come together. Offering a wide range of stories about the creative journeys of different people with diverse paths to the element—including Paul McCartney, The Alchemist author Paulo Coelho, and Vidal Sassoon as well as lesser-known examples—he demonstrates a rich vision of human ability and creativity. Covering such topics as the power of creativity, circles of influence, and attitude and aptitude, the author emphasizes the importance of nurturing talent along with developing an understanding of how talent expresses itself differently in every individual. Robinson emphasizes the importance of mentors and reforming and transforming education, making a convincing argument bolstered by solid strategies for honing creativity. Motivating and persuasive, this entertaining and inspiring book will appeal to a wide audience. (Jan.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.

User Ratings and Reviews

1 Star A silly misguided book
This is such a silly book. Worse, its therapies are misguided.

The author rails against traditional education that emphasizes reading, writing, and math. He also dislikes the standardized tests that students across the country must take.

How misguided! To get a good job, one that is interesting and fulfulling, you must gain foundational skills in these three areas. It is absolutely imperative for most students. There are a few exceptions, but how many people have the superb native talent of a Mozart or an Einstein?

Once you have these foundational skills, you build upon them in the field of study you enjoy. Then you can go anywhere, do anything. And probably get well paid for it. At least in America. But getting those foundational skills in the first place requires often boring routine study and some rote learning. That is a hard truth that many modern educators rebel against. But there doesn’t seem to be any shortcut around it.

There is so much to disagree with in this book. For example, the author says once you are cast as a certain type in a corporation, you are stuck with that role. I disagree entirely. The author is British, and maybe that is true of corporations in the UK. But not in the USA. I have worked many years for several American corporations, both big and small, and almost without exception, they are open to advancement by their employees. They consider it win-win — the corporation wins and the employee wins.

For example, if you are a ’science’ type or a ‘financial’ type who wants to strike out into new territory, let’s say into advertising or sales, many corporations will welcome you. Here’s why: So few people in their advertising department have a clue about science, logic, and numbers, they welcome your background and expertise. In fact, you can often write your own ticket in such situations. You already know what the science side of the house is thinking, ie, their mentality and their approach to problem-solving. That can be very valuable in the right circles.

But the point is you need (at least) a foundational education in reading, writing, and math. You can’t get around it. When you have that foundation, the sky’s the limit — you can pursue virtually any career, you can go wherever you like. Without that foundation, you will likely flounder around for the rest of your life, possibly become a burden to your family and to society — unless you are very exceptional.

The author points to several exceptional talents, eg Paul McCartney, whose undiscovered talent was overlooked by his school system. McCartney is indeed an exceptional talent, and whose talent eventually shone through, as has the talent of countless songwriters in the past. Did Harold Arlen or Richard Rodgers, the creators of melodies at least as beautiful as any of McCartney’s, go to special schools or follow a special curriculum? Of course not. Is McCartney representative of most students, even a few students? Hardly. I suspect that the majority of students put into special programs, thinking they’re the next Paul McCartney, would end up being very disappointed. Worse, they may end up being a derelict with skills that are valued by nobody.

You only have a few precious years to learn foundational skills. Let’s not waste them by following pie-in-the sky, unproven, and dangerous theories like this author’s.

5 Stars Find Your Element and Live a Fulfilling Life
When you are engaged in something you do well and really like you are in “the element”, according to author Ken Robinson. Being in the element is good because you will be mostly happy as you undertake the activity about which you are most passionate and most enjoy. The problem with education today is that it is not at all geared to find the things that students most like and are most good at; instead, modern education seeks to meet whatever new curriculum standard is in vogue, particularly when those standards are nationalized into tests. In addition, education tends to place subjects in a hierarchy, with those supporting the professions, like medicine and law, at the top.

Robinson gives ample examples of individuals who found their element outside of education - Paul McCartney and John Lennon of the Beatles, dancers, painters and others. But Robinson is not making the case that it is just performance artists who find their element; there are also others like mathematicians and scientists. The worst problem arises when individuals are guided towards professions for which they may have talent, but for which they have no real passion. Robinson gives an example of an orthopedic surgeon who was miserable in her profession and transitioned into a shoe designer. And then there are others who never escape from their un-elemental traps, likely living Thoruea’s “lives of quiet desperation”, earning a living but not really living fully. For those individuals this book is a lamentation. For current educators and parents, the book is a call to seek your children’s calling, and help them find their element, so that they may live lives of satisfaction and fulfillment.

4 Stars Jobseekers: Stop reading the unemployment statistics and read this book instead
The subtitle of Ken Robinson’s new book is How Finding Your Passion Changes Everything. Robinson writes about In The Zone moments where time flies by and you are totally absorbed. As identifying these moments is what I ask of my own coaching clients. I obviously buy into Robinson’s theory that you will most likely thrive in what you enjoy doing. An added bonus are the numerous, inspirational examples of people in their “Element”.

The book has chapters for key questions such as:

Finding a community support system — Robinson refers to this as your “tribe”

Dealing with family and friends who might not be supportive

Finding mentors

Identifying your passion later in life

Handling money issues when your passion might not pay

While Robinson writes about life and vocation in general, all of these issues are critical for the job search as well. You need a support system — a job search group, a coach. You need to guard against people giving bad advice or discouraging you — I advise my clients to limit their media consumption and to not listen to family and friends who may have out of date advice. You need outside help — that’s why networking is so important. You need to recognize that it’s never too late — even if your job search has stalled or you procrastinated and didn’t start as early as you should, you can still start anew with a better, more productive search from this day on. You need to consider and decide on the money issues — you have to support yourself and as Robinson notes, you don’t necessarily have to do that with your burning passion nor do you have to give up your passion to support yourself.

It’s always nice to hear how other people achieve success — in the case of Robinson’s book, the success of doing what they love. It provides encouragement when the day-to-day job search may get you down. Stop reading the unemployment statistics and the dismal stock market news, and surround yourself with positive words of encouragement, such as the wonderful stories and advice shared in “The Element”.

5 Stars Timely Read for Those Seeking Their Next Job … More So, Career
Having been recently laid off and having not been totally impassioned by my recent employment, reading “The Element” has proven timely. Particularly useful its Ken Robinson’s underlying quadrichotomy: Aptitude (I get it), Passion (I love it), Attitude (I want it), and Opportunity (Where is it)? As I seek my next opportunity - as an employee, or with further growth of my own consulting business - I will ensure I find what I love so I get what I want. In the spirit of the “Beyond Imagining” chapter, I shall create this not simply imagine it.

I did find Robinson’s last two chapters somewhat irritating. In them - particularly “Making the Grade” - Robinson gets close to whining about the state of education. I felt he had lost his own positive message from the earlier chapters.

All in all an inspiring read … now it’s up to me to put it all in practice.

5 Stars A Great Read for Coaches!
Ken Robinson has done a great job in helping people understand how life can blossum when they start living at the intersection of passion and talent. As a coach I work with clients who are sometimes open to discovering new talents and a career path filled with greater purpose and meaning. This book provides a wealth of examples of people at all stages of life finding their life purpose and then living it fully. Through skillful coaching and mentoring, we can help our clients in this discovery and rebirth process as they find their element. This can bring creativity and generativity to their life as they live it reinvigorated with a new sense of purpose and meaning.

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